Today I offer some entries from The Didact’s Dictionary, with apologies to Ambrose Bierce.
Baby Einstein®: The name of a series of proprietary videos by the Walt Disney Company, a corporation with a profitable record in education. We may worry when claims for Baby Einstein products start to sound like those made for schools in their missions–or is it the other way around?
balonist (bə-lōn΄-ist) n.: one who offers or requires baloney. Not to be confused with a balloonist, whose hot air is confined to his balloon. Cf. “Baloney Bingo”; attend Richard van de Lagemaat’s workshop in “Baloney Detection across the Curriculum.” This workshop is not offered at schools of education (q.v.).
brand n.: 1. a proprietary mark burned into the hides of livestock to identify their herds and to distinguish them from members of other herds. 2. a proprietary name given to a product to distinguish it from other similar products. v. (non-standard): to use the services of a balonist to impute qualities to a brand in order to promote its sales. Sometimes applied to schools’ efforts to position (q.v.) themselves.
education, school of n. 1. any of a number of imaginary institutions that impart sound principles and practices of teaching to their students with a minimum of baloney. 2. any of a number of real institutions that do not.
education for the 22nd Century: a balonist’s branding horror of the future. Who says dictionaries are not forward-looking?
mission n.: a statement, not necessarily accurate or intelligible, by a school of its reason for existing, usually by imparting vaguely described super powers to its graduates. Example: “Our graduates will demonstrate appropriate critical thinking behaviors in a global context for a variety of self-actualizing purposes in keeping with the aims of personal fulfillment and good world citizenship.” Often considered important in branding and positioning (qq.v.).
position: n. (used with “assume the”): a stance often adopted by a teacher in the ordinary course of work. v. (non-standard) to determine where one’s product or school stands with respect to similar products or schools and to brand accordingly, as with Baby Einstein® or a school.
standard (stănd΄-ərd) n.: 1. something set up and established by authority as a rule for the measure of quantity, weight, extent, value, or quality. 2. (educ.)a. a statement of a particular thing the graduate of a school can do. b. a claim made by a balonist of what the graduate of a school will be able to do, but what the graduate will not actually be able to do. adj.: well established by usage in the speech and writing of the educated and widely recognized as acceptable. (ant.: non-standard)